Trying
I've been trying hard lately to be more engaged in my life. I probably could have chosen a better time of the year to start this since I really hate the heat and of course there are so many outdoor type of activities this time of year. I tend to feel sick after being in the heat for too long.
The point is - I feel like I'm becoming somewhat of a hermit. I hate that! I'm a social person, but I find myself not wanting to be bothered with any of it in recent years. The broken arm didn't help and neither does being married to someone who is totally NOT a social person. I just want to be the happy person I used to be.
The reality is that I'll probably have to find a bit of a middle ground both for Brandon's sake and because I'm just not the same as I used to be. Some recent events had me questioning some of what I have always considered my better personality traits. I thought that maybe I was even offending people by wanting to help. Maybe I am. If that's the case, its honestly not intentional. I thought maybe I need to stop trying. Stop offering help to anyone. No babysitting, no transporting kids, no moving furniture, no driving anyone anywhere or picking anything up. No offering comfort or company or a shoulder to cry on. I seriously considered just closing myself off to any of it. I mean why not - I seem to always feel like people come into my life easily and go just as fast and I end up sort of mourning the loss of another friendship. Then I decided I was being rediculous and as much as I wanted to protect myself (and that is what I was trying to figure out how to do), I'm not that person. At least I pray to God, that I am not that person, that builds a permanent wall around myself. I like people. I like to help. I show people I care about them by being present and giving. It makes me sad that it makes people uncomfortable or maybe they question my motives. The funny thing is, I have no motives other than it makes me happy. So, this is me. I have plenty of things to work on and a whole lot of character flaws to deal with and I'm working on a couple of those, but I don't think I'm going to hole up inside myself after all...
I know this was a lot of rambling - I just needed to say it "out loud".
The point is - I feel like I'm becoming somewhat of a hermit. I hate that! I'm a social person, but I find myself not wanting to be bothered with any of it in recent years. The broken arm didn't help and neither does being married to someone who is totally NOT a social person. I just want to be the happy person I used to be.
The reality is that I'll probably have to find a bit of a middle ground both for Brandon's sake and because I'm just not the same as I used to be. Some recent events had me questioning some of what I have always considered my better personality traits. I thought that maybe I was even offending people by wanting to help. Maybe I am. If that's the case, its honestly not intentional. I thought maybe I need to stop trying. Stop offering help to anyone. No babysitting, no transporting kids, no moving furniture, no driving anyone anywhere or picking anything up. No offering comfort or company or a shoulder to cry on. I seriously considered just closing myself off to any of it. I mean why not - I seem to always feel like people come into my life easily and go just as fast and I end up sort of mourning the loss of another friendship. Then I decided I was being rediculous and as much as I wanted to protect myself (and that is what I was trying to figure out how to do), I'm not that person. At least I pray to God, that I am not that person, that builds a permanent wall around myself. I like people. I like to help. I show people I care about them by being present and giving. It makes me sad that it makes people uncomfortable or maybe they question my motives. The funny thing is, I have no motives other than it makes me happy. So, this is me. I have plenty of things to work on and a whole lot of character flaws to deal with and I'm working on a couple of those, but I don't think I'm going to hole up inside myself after all...
I know this was a lot of rambling - I just needed to say it "out loud".
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