Anxiety Sucks!

This year has been a little odd so far.  A little distressing.  A little confusing.  A little sickly.  And a little selfish.  On the surface it started on our trip to Costa Rica when I started feeling sick, had some altitude sickness and had my first ever panic attack (but I think it really started on our trip to Colorado and the fear of what high altitudes do to me).  And I didn't get any medical attention for 4 days afterwards.  I spent 4 hours on an airplane scared of the possibility of a blood clot; scared that something awful would happen while on the plane and my kids would be alone.  It was the longest flight of my life.  I went to the ER the day after I got home.  We did blood work, an EKG and a CT scan.  Check, check, check.  Nothing wrong other than a bacterial infection that I got while in Costa Rica.  We didn't address the panic attack since I figured it was over and I had the answers to my physical well being.  But I was having trouble sleeping and I felt scared of things I had never worried about before and I didn't totally believe the ER Dr that I was physically OK.  Bryan then got strep right after Christmas and I was having anxiety issues - we were both treated.  Right after the new year, I got bronchitis and Brandon and Joshua got strep.  And I continued having small anxiety attacks that didn't feel so small.  So back to the Dr I went.  However my Dr was on vacation.  We were all treated for our ailments and I was put on a heart monitor just in case.  Check again.  The heart was sounding good.  But I was STILL having these anxiety attacks.  Trouble breathing, my heart felt like it was racing, I was light headed...  Awful!
I finally got to see my own Dr.  She reviewed the EKG, the CT scan, the heart monitor - everything.  She reassured me that physically (other than needing to lose weight) I was wonderful.  So...after that and several emails and follow-ups, I felt like I was finally starting to feel like myself a little bit.  I was also reassured by being told that the anxiety was just another symptom of everything I had been through and would go away.  YAY!  I did avoid the news for a long time, I avoided sad or scary movies and certain topics of conversation, but I was feeling OK.  Then five weeks later, out of nowhere, I had another anxiety attack.  And I was so upset about it that it drug out for 3 days!  I was upset, furious, scared.  Why did it happen again, why wasn't it just a memory by now, what caused these attacks, how could I prevent it and was I going to have to live with this forever, needing daily meds?  So, I went back to talk to a therapist about it.  Did he tell me what I wanted to hear?  I didn't think so at first.  I was actually kind of irritated at first.  He was, after all, the one that told me this wouldn't last forever.  My problem??  It's this:  I'm a control freak.  I know... shocking right?  I try to control everything - I want to know the reasons, how to prevent, how, how, how.  My mind races non stop (which is why I don't always sleep well).  He told me, so what if you have an anxiety attack?  You know what they involve now, you know how to deal with it, you know it isn't a physical thing... you are prepared.  If you recognize that, you won't be scared of it, if you aren't scared of it, you won't unintentionally bring it on by thinking and worrying about it all the time.  Spend your time recalling good memories and creating new ones. Stop reliving the anxiety (and anything else that is negative) and think about good things.  He said if I could figure this out, then I could avoid needing daily meds that I would be taking only because I was afraid of it happening.
Are you kidding?  That's what I was thinking.  I needed to think about this and let it really sink in.  He was right though.  What was I afraid of?  I know how it feels, I know how to deal with it while it's happening, I know that physically I am fine.  I have the tools.  And if I can just wrap my brain around this fact, then maybe the next time it will last only a couple of hours instead of days.  Simple enough right?  It was like a mantra for at least a week.  I know how to deal with it - it won't hurt me, it is just uncomfortable.  Controlling my thoughts?  Now that was going to be a challenge.  I am a natural worrier.  And lately I've only been worrying about one thing and that's how I feel - both physically and mentally.  What is that pang of pain, what is this sensation?  Why is my ear warm, why is my face flushed - this is how the last one started.  So, now I interrupt myself with "you know you are physically OK, your heart is fine, you know how to deal with this" or "You walked 4 times this week on the treadmill, you're doing great" or "you need to put together your to do this for this week".  At first I tried to stay REALLY busy because an idle mind let to stray thoughts and to restlessness, which by the way feels a lot like the start of an anxiety attack for me.  I am now to the point, where I can handle some down time, but I still have to remind myself frequently that things are OK.  I am getting better at recalling the positive.  I am not avoiding anything that a few weeks ago would worry me that it might cause anxiety.  I am slowly starting to get back into doing the things I love - like taking photos and scrapbooking.  For some reason, it was hard to do those things.  Maybe because it is exhausting trying to control my train of thought.  It is getting better.  I know it is.  I am impatient.  There are actually times now that I forget about it, times when my ear doesn't feel hot from the inside because I am thinking about it. Times when I am not clenching my jaw from trying to avoid certain thoughts.  LOL!  So I guess in a way, I am still trying to be in control.  Hehe!  In control, but knowing that I'm really not and that it could happen any time and I can deal with it.  I have, after all, managed to talk myself out of it twice since the last one.  It wasn't pleasant either time and I felt shaky and unsure of myself for the rest of the day, but I did avoid it.  :)
And for those people that do have to deal with a more acute form of anxiety and panic disorder, I am truly sorry and feel for you.  I don't wish this discomfort on anyone.  I'm wishing all of you peace and tranquility from the bottom of my heart.